I got a shotgun for your muzzle

The book deal is a difficult and elusive beast. You must learn to deal with rejection, agonize over who to thank on the dedication page, and wrestle with the problem of where to host your book party.

You must slave for years, kiss the ass of agents, and take the word of publishers who say "a print run of 5,000 is great for a first-time author!"

On the other hand, you could take the easy way out: get yourself kidnapped, consult with God, and profit on the misery of untold hundreds.