If there's grass on the field, play ball

If this isn't the plot for the feelgood movie of the summer, I don't know what it is: A pregnant 14-year-old crosses the Nebraska border into Kansas so that her 22-year-old boyfriend can make an honest woman out of her. Of course, Matthew Koso has known his wife Crystal since she was 8, but the two sagely waited to become a couple until she was 12 and he was 20. (True love waits, you know.)

He knocked her up earlier this year, which, according to the Times article, her mother didn't realize until she noticed Crystal wasn't using as many tampons. So she marched the two of them over to Kansas--even though she'd previously filed a restraining order against him--and had them get married. (Did you know that this case has managed to embarrass the State of Kansas? I didn't know that was possible.) They're now living in his parents' basement, and have christened their newborn Samara Ann, after the scary little dead wet girl in The Ring. (Just in case you haven't figured this out on your own, Matthew Koso spent most of high school in Special Ed. Which makes his insistence that "loves [Samara] to death" juuuuust a little disturbing.)

So now Matthew's awaiting trial for statutory rape, which could mean up to 50 years in prison. Such Draconian laws Nebraska has! In the meantime, he's content to sit in his folks' basement, feeding little Samara her Simulac. She's five days old as of this writing. Remember, Matthew: 12 years and 360 days before she's fair game.