Reporting, or film treatment

You can just picture Jennifer 8. Lee hunched over her computer, her eyes burning from excitement, her palms sweaty as candy-colored dollar signs dance above her head and Bruckheimer's booming voice intones, "More action! More action! We need more action!"

Jennifer 8's got the facts, and damn are they good. Cackling to herself as she types, helplessly letting the words stream forth from her mind's eye, she revels in how an old lady jumped from the second story screaming, "We're all going to die" and then her grandson swung from the fire escape and used his foot to reach a ladder and climb down and then the old lady's daughter fell off the ladder and hit the street on her back, and just when 8's getting to the part about how the property's management company has neglected tenants' complaints, her head explodes from excitement and the possibility of Hollywood's tender embrace, and the article ends.