Van Halen vs. Baltimore Orioles: VHBO2M05

Leaving aside the fact that Van Halen is comprised of only half its original members -- check out this picture of Vince Neal started playing bass for Van Halen -- in the long-running saga of the house that Halen devalued, the band is now suing the Baltimore Orioles, who, the suit claims, "reneged on a deal to bring the then-touring band to the team's Camden Yards... the concert would have brought VH about $1.5 million, plus an 80 percent cut of ticket and merchandise sales."

These aging rockers are metal's equivalent of the stay-at-home Connecticut mom who bakes Libby's Pumpkin Roll from the Toll House cookbook for the Sunday school bake sale just to make some extra folding money because her "real" job -- raising the kids -- doesn't pay very well. One can't help but wonder if this lawsuit is merely to offset their sagging second ventures, Hagar's vomitous tequila concoctions and Michael Anthony's ass-watering barbecue sauce. Plus, Eddie needs hip replacement ... cuz that hair is circa 1992. Can I get a rim shot, puleeze.

The softened metal gods' attempt to sully America's pastime is shameful. Excuse me while I depart to fire up the 1976 "Bad News Bears" and replay, on a continuous loop, the wisdom of a real man:

Kelly Leak: "I got a Harley-Davidson. Does that turn you on? A Harley-Davidson?"