If there's grass on the field, play ball

If this isn't the plot for the feelgood movie of the summer, I don't know what it is: A pregnant 14-year-old crosses the Nebraska border into Kansas so that her 22-year-old boyfriend can make an honest woman out of her. Of course, Matthew Koso has known his wife Crystal since she was 8, but the two sagely waited to become a couple until she was 12 and he was 20. (True love waits, you know.)

He knocked her up earlier this year, which, according to the Times article, her mother didn't realize until she noticed Crystal wasn't using as many tampons. So she marched the two of them over to Kansas--even though she'd previously filed a restraining order against him--and had them get married. (Did you know that this case has managed to embarrass the State of Kansas? I didn't know that was possible.) They're now living in his parents' basement, and have christened their newborn Samara Ann, after the scary little dead wet girl in The Ring. (Just in case you haven't figured this out on your own, Matthew Koso spent most of high school in Special Ed. Which makes his insistence that "loves [Samara] to death" juuuuust a little disturbing.)

So now Matthew's awaiting trial for statutory rape, which could mean up to 50 years in prison. Such Draconian laws Nebraska has! In the meantime, he's content to sit in his folks' basement, feeding little Samara her Simulac. She's five days old as of this writing. Remember, Matthew: 12 years and 360 days before she's fair game.

Meth Labs: Enter At Your Own Risk

How does your state's meth cooks implement unwanted intruder protection measures?

Other dangers are created intentionally by meth cooks desperate to avoid being caught.

Many have been known to booby-trap labs in Tennessee with everything from razor blades to pipe bombs.

In Arkansas, meth operations have been found rigged so that the flip of a light switch would cause a massive explosion.

In Mississippi, cooks have been caught rigging their labs with dynamite, crossbows and even rattlesnakes.

I sure hope those MS boys weathered Katrina all right with their booby traps intact.

Hunters beware: Meth's in woods [Commercial Appeal (TN) reg. req.]

Moffie Risin'

"One of my classmates called me a moffie on Wednesday. When I asked him why he called me that, he hit me on the chest and said I would 'shit' during second break.

Of course that's awful but it's also kinda funny. So let me pose the question to anyone in the home studio audience: What the fuck is a moffie?

'Moffie' beaten up at school [News24]

You Only Need One Reason To Kill In Texas

A Houston jury acquitted the woman who killed her boyfriend by shooting him in the face and then tried to blame it on her nine year old son. The boyfriend had a long pattern of abuse (like zig-zags up and down her body, perhaps some cross-stitching) and after admitting she lied when police arrived on the scene, her lawyers prepared a solid gold self-defense strategy.

"I'm not asking y'all to make Erika mother of the year," he told jurors Wednesday. " ... Thank God, within several hours of this, she told officers the truth."

It worked, she walked, he's dead.

Woman acquitted in death of boyfriend [Houston Chron]
Previously: Texas Reprezant!

Blottered Busts of the Week

Authorities said they are some of the biggest plants they've ever seen. They also said they have several more major raids planned throughout the Central Coast within the next month. (wink wink) [KSBW]

"This is definitely the biggest haul in the county this season," Detective Jesse Tovar said. "I won't expect a Christmas card from (the growers)." (like christmas trees) [Modesto Bee]

Jackson Township police have busted at least five methamphetamine labs in the past five years, but they say the latest bust was the biggest. (payless shoes, 1987) [NewsNet5]

The 360-foot drug smuggling tunnel at the Lynden-Aldergrove crossing begins at a Quonset hut at 26717 Zero Ave. in Canada, runs under two roads and opens up in the living room of a house at 151 E. Boundary Road. (of love) [Bellingham Herald]

Area police made the biggest cocaine bust in Butler County history earlier this week...seizing two pure kilograms of the drug. Although unimpressive to the eye — each cocaine brick measured about 12 by 6 by 2 inches and weighed 2 1/4 pounds — the drugs have an estimated street value of $500,000. (butler did it) [Middletown Journal, OH]

Blottered Spotlight: Waldo County, Maine

BELFAST, ME (Aug 24): Law enforcement officials with the Waldo County Sheriff's Department responded to the following incidents and accidents, issued the following summonses and made the following arrests.

Aug. 22
Jessica Schrader, 22, of Searsmont, was arrested for domestic assault.
Ed.- Domestic assault is not something to joke about. Especially in this case since no further info is provided.

Aug. 21
Robert S. Larrabee, 27, of Freedom, was summoned for unnecessary noise with a vehicle.
Ed.- Doesn't sound much like "freedom" to me if a man can't rev his wheezing 440 a little to boil the juice and blow the teapot.

Aug. 20
Alton E. Lane, 26, of Searsport, was arrested for domestic assault, terrorizing and obstructing report of a crime or injury.
Ed.- We all need to exercise some caution when throwing a word like "terrorizing" around. That's letting the bullies win. On a lighter note, I think he should take Jessica Schrader of Searsmont out on a date.

Aug. 18
Kayla J. Berry, 18, of Belfast, was cited for driving 64 in a 45-mph zone in Searsport.
Ed.- Kayla, that's awesome, keep up the good work. I hope you live to see 19.

Andrew G. Wilson, 40, of Torrance, Cal., was cited for driving 67 in a 45-mph zone in Belfast.
Ed.- Cheeky move, Andrew. Way to one-up Kayla, in her hometown even!

Aug. 17
Jill Rowan-Parker, 36, of Windsor, was cited for driving 64 in a 45-mph zone in Palermo.
Ed.- I sense a pattern here. What country are we in again?

Aug. 16
Jeffrey Hill, 39, of Knox, was arrested for marijuana cultivation, possession of a scheduled drug and possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Heidi Cunningham, 25, of Knox, was summoned for possession of a scheduled drug, drug paraphernalia and a usable amount of marijuana.
Ed.- I've always thought couples crime is the best kind. America has a history rich with its unrealized promise and I imagine it really heightens the sexual experience .

Waldo County Sheriff's Department blotter [VillageSoup]

U-TURN VERDICT SPINS 180

Dodgeball founder Dennis Crowley is not your average gadget-wielding, old school Range Rover driving, craps playing, law abiding, DJ-ing, mobile social software pioneer, but that hasn't made Google fame go to his head. In fact, in many ways he's a lot like you and me; he too drives on the same side of the road as everyone else. So when a pesky Chinatown NYPD traffic cop in one of those hobbit cruisers pulled him over for an illegal U-turn on Delancey (in a "business district"), it's no surprise Dennis was a bit befuddled. No way was he gonna fight this analog-style. Read the dramatic saga here (part 1) and here (the verdict) to find out how our hero was able to digi-cam his way out of a ticket and into traffic court history.

Sirens Turned On

Looking to get married to the badge or a firemen calendar? Sexually frustrated or scarred from your Iraq tour of duty? Do you enjoy ass-to-mouth resuscitation? Want to be on the "correct" side of guarded prison love? Maybe you'd like to talk into the stethoscope and get physical?

For some, finding love in a uniform is not just a Gang of Four song or butt shots of Dennis Franz on NYPD Blue. Don't settle for the name-tagged uniforms of the fast food industry. Aim higher (like just above the bellybutton) and be all you can make-believe with an online dating service that caters to professionals in the uniformed and emergency services. Enlist today, wake up with a glazed donut tomorrow.

Uniform Dating

New Fox Drama, Prison Break

If you're a fan of prison dramas, or a prison geek, you're probably really looking forward to the new Fox series, Prison Break. This new 24-wannabe is centered around two brothers in prison- Lincoln is on death row at the fictional Fox River State Penitentiary, falsely accused of killing the Vice President's brother, and Michael, who sticks up a bank to get placed in the same jail as his brother in order to break him out. It just so happens that Michael is a structural engineer with the prison's blueprints so it sounds like he's going to try to break Lincoln out in a similar fashion to Sean Connery breaking into Alcatraz in The Rock. Everyone knows you can practically indefinitely postpone an execution in the Appeals process but I guess that doesn't make for Must See TV.

The question on everyone's mind is- what happens when the brothers break out? Will that happen in one season? Is that the end of the series? If they stretch it out past one season (a la Lost), will we lose interest?

The two brothers are played by guys who are semi-familiar. Michael is played by Wentworth Miller ("The Human Stain") and Lincoln is played by Dominic Purcell ("John Doe," "Blade: Trinity"). I'm looking forward to seeing Peter Stormare ("Fargo," "Minority Report") as John Abruzzi, as an imprisoned former mob boss, Robin Tunney who plays Veronica, Michael's defense attorney/friend, and Stacy Keach ("Titus," "Mike Hammer") , who plays the warden. But for prison geeks, the real star is Joliet Correctional Center, closed in 2002, which stars as the prison.

Action guy Brett Ratner directed the two-hour pilot which airs Monday, August 29th at 8/10 PM Eastern/Pacific time. Afterwards, it will air on Mondays at 9 PM.

You Bet I'm Mad, Real Mad

Teens in Jersey are still using it. Couples reluctantly resort to it when sorting out relationship issues. It mixes well with large wooden sticks, hammers, various other examples of tool shed inventory, and it is not the sole province of cartoons to describe the conking effect. Stay calm people, but the "tire iron" shows no signs of reducing its role in desperate criminal activity or going the way of the sword cane.

Image from the Wisconsin Department of Transportation's Safety and Consumer Protection website on "Aggressive driving"

Quebec: Come for the old-world charm, stay for the paroled serial killers

Quebecois newspaper Hebedos Quebcor has outed the location of convicted-and-recently-paroled serial killer Karla Homolka. For those of you who don't lisez the Fraunch, here's the pertinent info:

Karla Homolka has been spotted several times in a community on Montreal's south shore and is believed to be working in the area, a weekly newspaper has reported. The Saturday edition of Le Courrier du Sud, a local newspaper serving Longueuil, reported that two witnesses have spotted Ms. Homolka recently. An updated on-line edition says another person came forward Sunday and claimed Ms. Homolka is working in a local store.

Well grease up your torches and grab your pitchforks, mes amis! Who doesn't love a little vigilante justice?

Bad Arguments in Washington

One of the worst arguments I've ever come across has been raised in objection to the proposed Washington law to make sex with animals illegal.

But where are these caring voices when animals are being turned into chic purses, ground into all-beef patties, made to pull plows in infernal heat or poked with foot-long research needles?

Where was Roach when people floated proposals a few years ago to allow the use of hounds to hunt down cougars in the state?

The answer to the second question is no mystery. Roach was a proponent of hound hunting because cougars, in her view of the world, are evil felines that threaten people and beasts.

The senator's perspective about which creatures are worthy of our protection is as arbitrary as her proposal to protect creatures from "rampant" human sexual abuse. One can only imagine what Roach's take might have been had the man died after sex with a cougar instead of a horse.

Uhm, okay. So your point is that because we haven't outlawed the eating of beef we cannot outlaw having sex with horses? That makes so little sense it's like some kind of magic spell that leaves anyone who hears it stunned into silence.

In order to make arguments that people are going to buy, you have to have a least a minimal amount of contact with the moral understandings of others. Here we don't need to respond at all. Unless it is with the following: Dude, you just cannot have sex with animals. Let it go.

[Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

Send In Giuliani

If you think being a journalist in the Middle East is a risky proposition, you need only trek just south of the border to Nuevo Laredo, Mexico to find the most dangerous and lawless place in the world where no one with pen and pad, even police, can walk the streets in safety unless they are on the "payroll." Drug gangs with no care for human life rule the area with bloody fists and a crapload of guns. There have been at least 108 execution-style murders since January. (Makes Baltimore look like Mayberry and for that matter, Gotti in his prime would have been their bitch.) Eight journalists have suffered the ultimate penalty for trying to do a little investigative reporting:

* Roberto Javier Mora Garcia, March 2004 - The editor of Nuevo Laredo's El Ma ana newspaper was stabbed to death outside his home.
* Leodegario Aguilera Lucas, May 2004 - The editor of the magazine Mundo Politico was kidnapped in Acapulco. His body was found Sept. 8.
* Francisco Javier Ortiz Franco, June 2004 - The senior editor of Tijuana's weekly Zeta was shot to death as he was driving with his two children, who weren't hurt.
* Francisco Arratia Saldierna, August 2004 - The columnist for several Sonora state newspapers, was killed in the city of Matamoros. Saldierna, who had apparently been tortured, was found outside the local Red Cross offices and taken to a nearby hospital, where he died later that day.
* Gregorio Rodriguez Hernandez, November 2004 - A photographer for the newspaper El Debate, Hernandez was gunned down in Escuinapa while he dined with his family at a restaurant.
* Jose Alfredo Jimenez Mota, April 2 - The crime reporter for El Imparcial, a Hermosillo-based daily, has been missing since he went to interview a drug source. He's presumed dead.
* Dolores Guadalupe Garcia Escamilla, April 5 - She was shot multiple times outside the Nuevo Laredo radio station Stereo 91 when she arrived for work at 8 a.m. She died April 16.
* Raul Gibb Guerrero, April 8 - The publisher of the Veracruz daily La Opinion was killed in an ambush as he was driving home by four men who fired at least 14 shots, three to his head.

Let's get Jarvis down there to live-blog this shit. Anonymously, of course.

Free speech a casualty as Mexican journalists killed [Salt Lake Tribune]
Previously on Blottered: A Smart Man Would Bet On The Drug Lords
Related: The September issue of Details has a great article about one of their writers going down there for a story and getting shot at on the day he arrived.

Meet The New Suckers

The call went out for new Blottered contributors the other day and the response was overwhelming...in opposite world. It's been one of the tougher recruitment seasons but three daring souls scribbled their names on the sign-up sheet tacked to the bulletin board outside of the gym. First we have Ms. X (and with that you know as much I do about her or him), then there's Jackson West of SFist fame who got his start at Blottered as a sweaty cover model, and lastly we get another lit-type in the form of Swash Bookler. Yes, they sound like a gang that specializes in knocking over museums.

If anyone is still interested in joining this ether-rag, toe-tag outfit, it's pretty much open enrollment around here. Get your name on the masthead and enjoy the traffic swells that come from links on Gawker, Defamer, Fleshbot, Jalopnik, and the Whatevs Bourgeoisie blogroll. Just send an email to the tip line. Thanks.

Blottered Exclusive: Stabbing on NYC's Lower East Side

This morning at 9am the Lower East Side was the scene of a person-on-person stabbing incident. Details below.

informant: drama on rivington this morning
krucoff: whoa, what happened?
informant: someone was stabbed between ludlow and orchard at 9am
informant: good for sales!
krucoff: details?
informant: stabber got away
informant: not sure if he stabbed a man or woman and don't know what happened to victim
informant: but cops have been here all morning ... dusting for prints and shit
krucoff: thanks, i'll get this on the wires immediately

Bovs On Your Respective T's

I'm just guessing but I bet Iowa has the highest per capita "T" intersections in the country. With that comes the responsibility of the local citizenry not to drive straight through them into corn fields, especially in a 1973 Dodge Charger. The last line is a heartbreaker.

The car was totaled.

Batavia man injured after car goes through intersection, into field [Fairfield Ledger]
Related, in no specific terms: Whatevs.org

Blottered: We Need A Few Good... Anyone

The posting is looking pretty sparse around here, right? Wanna blog about crime? Any aspect of the topic is open game. No prior knowledge or ability to write impressively is required. We just ask that you avoid ethnic slurs and stereotyping unless you're absolutely postively sure it's funny. Read more here.

The Wildlife of Crime

There is more to online auctions than used T-Mobile Sidekicks, Star Wars figurines, 70's American Muscle cars, and eBay CEO Meg Whitman's senior high school yearbook. You'll have to search a little deeper on the black & blue market but there are live gorillas, giraffes, tamarin monkeys, tiger cubs, and even a rhino footstool (classy!) for the taking if you're the high bidder. The International Fund for Animal Welfare (IFAW) is trying to track down and halt all illegal activity, in some cases involving endangered species. An organization representative cautiously remarks:

"Each one of us also has a responsibility to stop buying and selling wild animals and wildlife products. Trade in wildlife is driven by consumer demand, so when the buying stops the killing will too. Our message to online shoppers is simple - buying wildlife online is as damaging as killing it yourself."

Also, buyer beware: you're gonna need more than pee pads and plastic baggies for those gorillas.
Revealed: the illegal online animal trade [Independent, UK]

Xanaduuuuuuuu

A fight that left a high school band director with a minor knife wound? A 12-gauge sawed-off shotgun? Juveniles taunting others from a car? Warning shot fired into the air? Sounds like "couples night" at the Greenwood, Mississippi Spotlite Skating Rink.
Youth faces charge in shooting [Greenwood Commonwealth]

VHBO2M05: You're not gonna sing for us, are ya, Sammy?

As we dive deeper into the crucial stats, Marshall Stax, math-rock, and hit-and-run regression analyses to predict the winner of the Van Halen vs Baltimore Orioles $2M Lawsuit '05, we seek to answer the perpetually haunting question: In a parking lot brawl, who would you rather have on your side? A guy who threw his back out sneezing or the guy who once said about David Lee Roth, "I wanna knock the guy out with the first punch. I don't want to be rolling around on the floor with him, you know?"

Sammy Sosa vs. Sammy Hagar in a Googlefight
"Sammy Sosa" - 710,000
"Sammy Hagar" - 373,000
Advantage: Orioles

Previously: VHBO2M05: It Begins, Part 2: Eddie! Eddie!
Image from the Hungarian band Sammy Sosa

VHBO2M05: Eddie! Eddie!

Like an empty arena at 4am or a baseball field in January, you could hear a guitar pick drop in dugouts and backstage fuck-rooms across the country as trial is now "imminent" in the landmark entertainment case of Van Halen vs. Baltimore Orioles. What's at stake here? Just two of our more bloated institutions, corporate music and baseball, squaring off in a winner-take-all game of the sticks and stoned. Our analysis begins with a "tale of the tape" match-up of Van Halen guitarist Eddie Van Halen vs. first baseman Hall of Fame legend Eddie Murray of the O's.

Eddie Van Halen Signed and Used Check: $595
Eddie Murray Autographed Bat with "HOF 2003 - 504HRs": $600
Advantage: Orioles

Previously: VHBO2M05 Part 1

Van Halen vs. Baltimore Orioles: VHBO2M05

Leaving aside the fact that Van Halen is comprised of only half its original members -- check out this picture of Vince Neal started playing bass for Van Halen -- in the long-running saga of the house that Halen devalued, the band is now suing the Baltimore Orioles, who, the suit claims, "reneged on a deal to bring the then-touring band to the team's Camden Yards... the concert would have brought VH about $1.5 million, plus an 80 percent cut of ticket and merchandise sales."

These aging rockers are metal's equivalent of the stay-at-home Connecticut mom who bakes Libby's Pumpkin Roll from the Toll House cookbook for the Sunday school bake sale just to make some extra folding money because her "real" job -- raising the kids -- doesn't pay very well. One can't help but wonder if this lawsuit is merely to offset their sagging second ventures, Hagar's vomitous tequila concoctions and Michael Anthony's ass-watering barbecue sauce. Plus, Eddie needs hip replacement ... cuz that hair is circa 1992. Can I get a rim shot, puleeze.

The softened metal gods' attempt to sully America's pastime is shameful. Excuse me while I depart to fire up the 1976 "Bad News Bears" and replay, on a continuous loop, the wisdom of a real man:

Kelly Leak: "I got a Harley-Davidson. Does that turn you on? A Harley-Davidson?"

Is That a Billy Club in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy I'm Breaking the Law?

As if going to a strip club isn't entirely removed from reality already, a new rule about to pass in Seattle will separate it even farther: lap dancers must stay four feet away from their johns ... er, customers at all times.

One police officer had to go undercover to see if the ladies respect the law:

Seattle officials publicly have said the clubs bring vice problems to the neighborhoods. In statements filed with the finance committee, several Seattle police detectives cited anecdotal evidence of dancers overstepping legal restrictions on performances.

One officer, identified as B. James, paid for lap dances apparently as part of an investigation. He wrote: "The dancers most often begin by straddling me from the front and placing their genitals over my genitals and grinding back and forth.

"They also grab and caress their breasts while they are exposed."

Seattle likely to approve limits on lap dances [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

Losing Hand To Hand In Sword Fight

Ever seen the movie The Wanderers? Classic story about gangs in the early '60s trying to get by and get laid, etc. It's got a lot of the stereotypical racial humor you could pull off effectively in the late '70s without offending any but the tighest of buttholes. It's a shame they don't make ethnic gang movies like they used to. Anyway, there's this classic line in it from the Asian gang: DON'T FUCK WITH THE WONGS. That's pretty much all I could think about while reading this news clip.

A Melbourne teenager who severed a man's hand during a gang fight in the city last year has been sentenced to two-and-a-half-years in jail. Tuan Mai, 18, used a samurai sword to cut off Huyn Nguyen's hand during an organised brawl between two Melbourne gangs from Fitzroy and the Western suburbs.

The court heard the fight was organised to settle a dispute over a girl. It heard between 50 and 100 young Asian men gathered in the Fitzroy Gardens for the fight in February 2004. Members came armed with samurai swords, machetes and poles.

Mai, who pleaded guilty to affray and recklessly causing serious injury, will serve a minimum of 12 months jail. The court heard his victim's hand was later reattached after police found it in the gardens.

Teen jailed for sword attack during gang fight [ABC News (Au)]

Jews For The Preservation of Firearms Ownership

This is JPFO's most popular poster. Get involved today. [JPFO]

Gang of Three (Or More)

After a gang fight broke out during a baptism at The Our Lady of Guadalupe Church, community leaders in Lathrop, CA discussed the situation and decided now would be a good time to do some citizen outreach education. Everything you wanted to know about gangs but were scared shitless to ask are answered here in notes from the first meeting.

About 75 people ranging from pre-teens to adults attended the seminar. Father McFalls translated the seminar for Spanish speaking audience members. The seminar began by explaining the nuts and bolts of gangs.

In California, a gang is identified as a group of three or more people who have a common name or symbol for themselves and are of on-going association with patterns of criminal behavior as well as those who wear gang affiliated colors and style of clothing.

Officer Lovato continued by saying that documented gang members are known by confidential informants who often times give up other gang members to stay out of trouble, by being affiliated with other members, whether it be in person or in photos, having certain items or tattoos, or by self declaring themselves as a member when they are brought to jail.

In order for a person to be constituted as a gang member they must be associated with at least four of the above mentioned descriptions. People who are associated up to three of the mentioned description are labeled as gang associated, or people who would like to be a part of the gang.

Thus begins Blottered's focus on worldwide gang activity. No hand signal or initiation prank will be left unexamined.
Baptism gang fight prompts outreach effort [Manteca Bulletin]

Race Riot in San Quentin

Officials at California's oldest state prison, San Quentin, are trying to prevent an all out race war following the outbreak of rioting Monday morning between hispanic and white inmates which left 42 injured.

San Quentin was already on "lockdown" after a series of smaller brawls between white and hispanic prisoners broke out last week.

Earlier this year, the Supreme Court ordered California to abandon its policy of assigning inmates to racially segregated cells for as long as 60 days when they arrive at new prisons.

Meth Mouth or Your Grandma

Slate, or more specifically that dastardly bastard Jack Shafer, makes fun of your poor, dear grandparents' ability to spell:

[A]bstinent grandmothers and grandfathers, many of whom who couldn't spell methamphetamine if their lives depended on it, are sometimes victims of meth mouth!

The Meth-Mouth Myth [Slate]

Tit For Rat-Tat-Tat

I knew the investment of a pellet gun was for more than just shooting up beer bottles and eggs one lazy summer in the Catskills. The paparazzi are now subject to getting lit up in California like headlight targets on parked cars in a creepy cul-de-sac. I hope this trend continues. It might only produce an injury "less than minor" but it sends a real good message to those camera-slinging cowboys. Blottered would like to formally offer armed bodyguard services for any celebrities in New York or L.A. Several of us are pretty good shots and what we lack in actual marksmanship, we more than make up for in really high-pitched screaming.
Malibu Denizens Divided on Shooting of Paparazzo [LA Times]
Related: Is It OK To Shoot The Paparazzi? [Defamer]

There Oughtta Be A Law

You are forgiven for suspecting that the European Union was invented to provide us with opportunities for scoffing. The latest example the EU's war against busty barmaids. Like every one of these struggles, it is being waged in the name of those whose job it threatens: the barmaids themselves, who would be forced to cover-up to avoid skin-cancer from too much exposure so sunlight.

Open Up and say Obrigado

Thieves Take $65M From Brazilian Bank Through Underground Tunnel [Forbes]

Good Will Trespassing

Staff writers at The Harvard Crimson student newspaper do their best to spice up campus crime round-ups plagued with bored summer session students.

July 29:
3:23 p.m.—Harvard University Police Department (HUPD) officers responded to a report of an individual riding a bike through Harvard Yard while pulling another bike behind. The officers determined that neither bike belonged to the daredevil, who was sent away with a no-trespass warning for all of Harvard University. The bikes were impounded.
10:01 p.m.—An officer went to investigate reports of a person using a cigarette lighter to defile a sign at the Kennedy School of Government. The officer searched the person and subsequently confiscated a small amount of a dry, leafy substance.

July 30:
2:40 a.m.—Officers were dispatched to Harvard Yard to investigate a call reporting public urination. But the alleged Peeing Tom had left by the time the officers arrived.
9:29 p.m.—HUPD officers investigated reports of two individuals throwing water balloons at unsuspecting passersby from an Eliot House balcony. One of the bombardiers was issued a no-trespass warning for Harvard University; the other’s case was to be reviewed internally.

July 31:
3:18 a.m.—Officers were dispatched to deal with a suspicious individual wandering around in the area of Farlow Herbarium and Library. It was determined that the person was simply lost. Officers escorted the individual off the property.
2:43 p.m.—A HUPD officer investigated reports of a musician soliciting money for playing an instrument outside of Holworthy Hall. Prior to the officer’s arrival, the alleged musician had departed, taking his music with him.

August 1:
5:16 a.m.—The Cambridge Police Department (CPD) requested HUPD assistance in dealing with persons throwing bottles from the decrepit, mock-Flemish facilities of the Harvard Lampoon, a semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that occasionally used to publish a so-called humor magazine.
2:30 p.m.—HUPD officers responded to a report of a past assault at Ad ams House. The officers determined a face slap had occurred. Both slapper and slappee were identified, and no criminal complaint was filed against either.

August 2:
3:01 p.m.—HUPD officers responded to the alleged theft of an Elo Entuitive touchscreen monitor from Paine Hall.
3:50 p.m—Officers were dispatched to a Longwood Avenue bike rack, where individuals were reported behaving suspiciously. When the officers approached, one individual fled the scene with a bike. After a short pursuit, the individual, a juvenile, was apprehended for larceny and malicious destruction.

August 3:
2:40 p.m.—A HUPD officer stopped near Mass. Hall an individual who refused walk his bike through the Yard. Upon further investigation it was discovered that the bike rider was carrying a Class D narcotic and had three default warrants. The individual was identified as Andre Garvin, 20, of Cambridge, and he was arrested for a drug law violation.

Police Log [Harvard Crimson Online]

A Heartbreaking Forum of Staggering Proportions on PrisonTalk.com

Your basics are decidedly depthly covered here. There's extensive chatter on Flamboyant's and Prison Gap's bus service to places long up the river you hope to never drop in on -- Flamboyant's services comes out none to good, and a few riders suggest the driver should be locked up. Over on Death Row Q&A there's a slew of info on the postal system ("my husband is on DR and it takes up to 3 weeks for him to get his mail from me.") and how the dreamy COs who run visitation at Polunsky are top-notch, awesome guys.

The standout poster is NY forum leader Mrs. G, who I imagine to be a matronly ole gal like "Facts of Life's" own Mrs. G. This Mrs G., though, thoroughly spiels on each local lock-up's history, visiting hours, and visitor dress codes (Oneida Correctional Facility: "no hoodies (I've seen COs let ppl slide by making them tuck in the hood but that is rare; they typically make you take it off and if you don't have a shirt underneath then you have to find something else to wear)"). She fails to suggest any local haberdashers, but she's just one woman and can't possibly cover everything.

And finally, to put some heart in the bitter-pill-reality of these proceedings, there's the odds and ends (potpourri) like Prison Slang 101 ("bone yard," "rapo," "suitcase," and the not-so-subtle difference between being an "inmate" and a "convict" are all covered here) and the old Catskill standard: You Know You Are from New York... (...America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you).

NYU Professor Turns to Ludes

The summation of John Buettner Janusch by the site CLEWS: The Historic True Crime Blog, run by classy auburn-locked broad Laura James, is must-reading, what all Justice shoulda been doing 'stead of humming along on Jacko and Nick Nolte. (It's also a far cry holla from what we here do.)

In a decidedly New York state of mind, Janusch, one-time chair of NYU's anthropology department, was using the school lab to make LSD and quaaludes back lo in 1979. The Professor Madman was busted and sent up the river for a time out sans coeds. But he had plans. Like the feared pop quiz, Janusch was set to spring something on those what done him wrong. Devilish, indeed.

Trip out to the bitter finale of Janusch and the judge who sentenced him at "The Very Nutty Professor" at CLEWS.

I Keep A Diary (With Apologies to Brian Battjer)

You get a lot of time to compose your thoughts in jail after committing two murders. Unfortunately, there is no "spellcheck" in a life behind bars.

April 9, 2004

I fill bad for the peoples fameles that I killed. I want them to know to know Im sorry maybe they will forgive me some day may be get into some shit with the mexocans I hear that they will stik some one over a pack of smokes. Then well see if these little bastards will leave me alone at least I have lots of company. My celly is kind of cool if not ill kill him to it don't mater any more how can I stop it. Some one help me please.

Lots more where this comes from and it just gets sadder. Kids, stay in school and learn to spell.

Diary of a Murder Defendant [CourtTV]
Police interviews reveal split personality of self-proclaimed 'hit man' [CourtTV]
Not Related At All: Brian Battjer's I Keep A Diary

The Hug Stops Here

It's not that Christopher Offord, 30, of Panama City, FL, doesn't like to be touched after sex. A little petting on his shoulders would have probably been fine. Maybe Dana Noser, 40, could have nibbled at his ear like a panda eating sprouts. Instead, Mr. Noser wanted full-on cuddling. Welp, time to die then.

A man who got angry with his wife because she wanted to cuddle after sex when what he really wanted to do was watch sports on television was sentenced to death for killing her with a claw hammer.

San Francisco Gate: Man Gets Death for Killing Wife After Sex

Chef To The People Behind Bars

Read the amazing story of Louise Mathews, chief of Food Services for the San Diego County Sheriff's Department, and how our criminal rehabilitation and reform system rests on the premise of homemade hamburger buns and identical sizes of chocolate cake slices.

"At the back of her mind is the knowledge that many prison riots in this country are food-related...Sameness in portion size is critical to ensure inmates don't fight over someone getting a larger piece of cake."

Make-at-home recipes are included for parents who feel guilty for sending bad children to bed early without dinner.
Louise Mathews makes sure those behind bars get some decent grub [San Diego Union-Tribune]

NJ Politics: The Twilight Zone

Blottered doesn't usually play the candidate endorsement game (too high risk with little reward, we prefer the nickel slots in A.C.), especially this early in the political season, but we're gonna make an exception for the Lacey Township (NJ) committee race. It's not his stance on lagoon dredging (though we hope he has a plan for dreg lagooning too) or his fight against closing a nuclear generating plant in their backyard which would increase crime among other horrible things if not allowed to remain in operation that compel us to give the nod to independent Rod Sterling. We just love his tough talk and relish the chance to see him beat the shit out of George Gilmore (whoever he is) with bare hands. This time it's personal.

George Gilmore lives in Toms River, and yet he chose the man who Lacey Township Republicans were supposed to support for governor. He sold out for $50,000, and the Lacey GOP sold out because he told it to. Think about that.

Who the hell does Gilmore think he is? And what kind of people are we if we let him get away with treating our town like it’s his personal property? If I’m elected, I will introduce a resolution at my first meeting to fire “Boss” Gilmore as township attorney, and to sever all other township relationships with the Gilmore law firm. Let’s give the man his walking papers.

Disclaimer: Rod Sterling is the father of part-time Blottered contributor Rob Sterling and none of us, even Rob who deserted his home state to live in Virginia, have any real stake in NJ township politics.

Don't Sniff the Water

In Italy, the water is staggeringly polluted. With cocaine. People living around the Po Valley in northern Italy consume about 15,000 doses of cocaine a month, according to all the benzoylecgonine in their piss contaminating the rivers.

The large amount of cocaine (at least 1,500 kg/3,307lb) that our findings suggest are consumed per year in the River Po basin would amount... to about $150m (£84m) in street value," the scientists wrote in the journal.

BBC News: Italian river 'full of cocaine

Girls: Send Us Naked Camera-Phone Pictures of Yourself

... or rather don't because that might be illegal. Or is it? Anyhow, hear this, girls: two of you can get together for a Tupperware party-cum-take naked pics of your daughter day and your pedophilia is A-OK with Johnny Law. A mother (a mother!) was investigated for having pictures of three girls, aged 10 and 13, on her cell phone. The cops, alas, couldn't find anything specifically illegal with this, because they were not transmitted from the cell phone. Frankly, to my ears, that line's finer than Julie Delpy's ass or some dude all gented up in a "full Cleveland" but the law's the law.

The Shreveport Times: Authorities say nude cell phone images do not constitute crime

Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The...

Some of you won't admit it, but we all love us some COPS or Wildest Police Videos to give our brains the relaxing massage and numbing sensation that's required to deal with life's mundaneness. It just takes one fishtailing Buick that catches the front cab of a once perpendicular 18-wheeler to cause an intersection collision along the lines of a smashed Lego set to help you unwind at the end of the day. One blogger, who wishes to remain anonymous, spilled the bean-pole with this no less horrific scene from a recent episode:

"The other night I was watching COPS for some reason and there was a guy who was being arrested for indecent exposure and drunkenness. He was completely naked...except for a Lance Armstrong bracelet."

I know there's a cock-ring joke hanging on the end of that but I'm too headstrong in my refusal to make it.

The Official COPS Website

There Will Always Be A Florida

Blottered is working on a crime novel. It starts something like this:
As police on the ground scouted the wooded area behind Whitters' house, little else could be heard over the din of Whitters' six barking German shepherds and the chop of the helicopter flying 30 feet above. Quickly, the helicopter team alerted the ground patrol that a man was destroying the plants.

Who needs German shepherds when you have fanged monkeys guarding your stash?
A tipster told agents of possible drug activity at the home and warned them that there were maniacal monkeys in its backyard...The expert said spider monkeys are particularly dangerous because of their big teeth and ability to use them.

"Critter" on the loose in Hoot Owl. Residents still painfully dumb.
"He just steps over that fence," Al said, pointing to chicken wire separating a neat yard from dense scrub palmetto jungle. "He doesn't care about that, one leg at a time."

Are the Johns Flush? Rob 'Em

As far as short little news clips in northern Lunch Meat Nowhereville go, this story has it all: robbery, whores, johns, and a BB gun. A man named Tracy Ortiz, 31, armed to the mullet with a ten-pump BB gun, up yonder high in Pontic, MI (is that even in barrel of the UP? how cool would that be) was arrested for robbing dudes who were just trying out the local female wares. While an unnamed john was zipping up, said man told the police that two men approached him and asked if he had any quarters and then pulled a gun on him and demanded his money. Or what he had left, presumably.

Robber Targets Men Soliciting Prostitutes

NYPD Dolls: Yeah, There's Gonna Be A Showdown

Whatever he's fighting for, I'm sure it's a noble cause. (Nice touch with the surgical glove.)

Image from NakedProtestors.com

Meth Balls

Jessica Gawker sure is a cutie, especially when she's curled up in the fetal position and deliberately vomiting on herself to keep warm when she's got the shakes. Plus, have you ever seen her bare boobies? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, she has a darling factoid about the coverage of meth in the media and how "allegedly" there's been 8.87 articles a day that mention meth in the past month. One, does this include newspaper police blotters? Two, how could she fail to mention Blottered's role in covering the meth beat?? Jesus Horse Christ, we're the pioneers of the genre!! We even have our own in-house Meth Reporter, Jim "Mether Fuckin" Nachlin. Where else will you find discussion in the comments as insightful as ours? Tweak on this one:

Go (dexidrine) pills are being replaced in the military by modafinil (Provigil/Alertec) which has all of the anti-fatigue power but with a buzz less than that of cafeine, and essentially no potential for abuse. Modafinil had the biggest off-label prescription rate until earlier this year when the FDA looking at Army research, finally approved it for "exessive sleepyness," and "shift work sleep disorder," which are both code for fatigue from too little sleep.

People high on pot are just not a problem compared to the meth- and booze-impaired. I wish they'd take all the time and money spent against pot and use it to do someting about crystal meth. Why the hell is late-night TV filled with PSAs complaining that pot lowers sperm count (so? exactly what problem is spreading that bit of information supposed to solve? it's a feature if you ask me) and not one message against meth, which is actually sending people to the morgue at increasing rates throughout the country? Is it because pot smokers vote Democrat and write letters to the editor and meth addicts and drunks vote Republican if they even vote at all? Arresting drunks, crack-heads, meth abusers, and coke snorters is a public service. Arresting pot smokers is a complete waste of time (and too tempting because they're so compliant.)

Apparently modafinil is also effective crave-removing therapy for cocaine and amphetamine abusers. Look it up on MEDLINE. So, the obvious solution is immediately apparent.

Monkey See, Monkey Do Each Other

The Scopes monkey trial proved that we are in fact descended directly from monkeys. (I think that's what it proved. I fell asleep halfway through the movie. Black-and-whites do that to me.) But it seems, though our simian lineage gave us a lot, we still have something to give back:

"The authors [of "Freakonomics"] also recounted a study about capuchin monkeys that are known for having a serious sweet tooth. The primates were taught how to use coins to buy confections that researchers had whipped up for the experiment. At one point, some monkeys stole coins from other monkeys and one monkey offered a coin to another in exchange for sex.

"This was the first observed incident of monkey prostitution," Dubner said."

Real-world economics, with zing

My Kingdom for Some Horse

The DEA's photo gallery of drugs is surprisingly pretty and user-friendly -- think of it as Fresh Direct for the illicit set. But someone over there has a decent eye, and with that curvy piece of film and the script lettering ... sheesh, hard to say whether they're glamorizing the goods or not.

Most of the stuff looks either like a clump of wet dirt or any number of things your grandma might pop for her rheumatism, arthritis, or sagging memory. Click to Page 7 where you can see outtakes from the aftermath of Operation Trifecta. If you listen carefully, you might be able to hear Tony Montana crying softly from the afterlife.

Hard Crime Pays With 100% Interest

I hate to give warnings, especially the NSFW one, but unless you work in a police precinct that has a clothes-optional and liberal anal policy, you might want to hit this link after you've punched-out for the day. The crimes and punishments here make the Bad Lieutenant look saintly.

Name: Sasha
Crime: Parking on pedestrian cross lines!
Fine: 1000 euro
Payment split:
20% Striptease
50% duo blowjob+hard sex
30% duo cum in the mouth & blowjob after the cum

You can watch this bust, and many others, with stiff fines for 38 minutes in 2 high quality formats on Policeman.net. (Let me reiterate, this is definitely not safe for work or religious fundamentalists.)

Do Not Beat The Animals

If you live in the Greater New York Metropolitan Tri-State area and have the sudden urge to microwave a cat, kick a pigeon over a park bench, light firecrackers under a turtle's shell, throw rocks at defenseless chihuahuas, shoot squirrels with a pump action BB gun, or even duct tape a raccoon to a skateboard, you might consider hightailing it over the Hudson to New Jersey where animal abuse is a misdemeanor.
Animal abuse - misdemeanor or felony? [Lisaviolet's Cathouse]