Milk Milk Haterade

Regarding the "secret" explicit sex scenes in the Grand Theft Auto video game and the availability of a sex-free version, Lester Haines of The Register wrote:

"Concerned parents can rest assured that after shooting up drug dealers with a semi-automatic rifle, their wide-eyed and innocent teen gamer will in future have to wind down with warm milk and cookies rather than an explosive climax with his bitch."

Outraged granny sues over Grand Theft Auto [The Register via WE Blog]

Sacramento, So Much To Answer For

Free speech is still dieting on knuckle-sandwiches in Sacramento where lawyers are artists too and among an exhibit of their work in the cafeteria of the California Department of Justice, there's an image of our country going down the toilet (left). I for one applaud the inspiring color scheme and calculated use of red, white, blue, and brown in all the right places. I wish I could eat this picture. While it makes me think of buffalo wings, fried calamari, and pulled pork, I bet it tastes like a cupcake. Anyway, the guy who created it is getting death threats from the usual hysterical fanatics in our country who don't trust anyone with a waist size under 40 and who couldn't paintball themselves out of a wet Bible. Here's one phone message left at the artist-lawyer's house:

"Steve and Virginia, I want you to know something. You’ve got some problems. Big problems. You’re fucking mentally insane for one thing.

But now you’ve gone ahead and slandered the life of the men who died for you. Now it’s your turn. Don’t ever put something up like that again. Do you hear me? I certainly hope so. Because we’re less than a day’s march from your house. Cunt!"

Okay, I have to admit, the freak kinda won me over with that last line. Ballsy. But the most disturbing part of this whole story? Blottered's man in Sacramento hasn't reported a damn thing here and once again it takes a New York Citizen Mediaographer to help spread the word of the fear-inspired attacks on the First Amendment as if it was made of badly-scented toilet paper.
Flag-in-Toilet Artist Gets Threats [The Progressive]

The Cuddly .50-Caliber

This free WSJ article on gun manufacturers' attempts to blow up interest in its wares is riddled with more bad bullet and gun metaphors, analogies, and similes than a picture of Bin Laden at a West Virginia shooting range.

Looks like they're taking the Nascar Nation approach: stop trying to appeal to only dumb southerners; appeal to dumb people everywhere, which seems to include the article's author. Note the use of "booming" in the following:

"When grizzled gun dealers gathered for their big annual Shooting, Hunting, Outdoor Trade Show in Las Vegas last January, they found themselves rubbing holsters with a decidedly different demographic: people who play and profit from the booming sport of paintball."

The last pinball wizard I saw making money was some 12-yr-old kid at summer camp who'd bet you five bucks he could move the paddles with his wiener.

Oh, and, don't this remind you of the effect of every Parental Warning Sticker you ever did see:

Sales of Smith & Wesson's gargantuan .50-caliber Magnum 500, introduced in 2003 as the most powerful production handgun on the market, seemed to accelerate in 2004 when the Violence Policy Center, a Washington gun-control group, issued a detailed report condemning the gun's outsize specifications and its purported ability to punch through most police body armor.

Peeping Tom Done Peeped Too Long

I do believe Mr. Eaton is employing what we in the writing game call "poetic license" when he compares L.A. artist Selena Kassab to one Lara Croft. Sure, Kassab is "willowy" just like Croft, I guess, but Croft didn't fight crime in pink fuzzy slippers. That seems more of a Mrs. King (of "Scarecrow and..." fame) kind of crime-fighting footwear choice.

Still, when Kassab caught a Peeping Tom's reflection in her mirror (he had already peeped on two other lasses) she took off after him. What would have she done if she had caught him? “I really can’t say. I would have fought with everything I have and tried to take him down,” she said.

Everything she had turned out to be "a broom stick with an 8-inch blade duct-taped to the end."

On second thought, maybe she's a psychotic McGuyver with boobs.

When she failed to catch him, Kassab Photoshopped up a picture and hung it around town and then organized a paranoid and violent mob:

The girls of the building stocked golf clubs and other weapons behind their doors. One loving father sent several women bottles of pepper spray. Joanne Davis, 27, got a 53-pound German shepherd and Valerie Weeks, an expandable metal “beat stick” she keeps in her bag.

On third thought, Thelma, Louise, and the Switchblade Sisters rolled into one got nothing on Kassab.

Roanoke Times: Police make arrest in Peeping Tom case

New wrinkle in death of Perfect family

Idaho's NewsChannel 7 is reporting that "toxicology results indicate the presence of methamphetamine in Tony Perfect’s blood stream." Boise residents will recall that Tony, Stephany, and baby Zoe Perfect were killed when the car they were driving was hit on Highway 55 by a racing pickup truck piloted by one Mark Lazinka. Though Lazinka was racing Boise State football player Cam Hall at the time of the accident, the incident is being referred to as being caused by "road rage". It is not clear who is presumed to have been enraged, though it seems unlikely to this reporter that Ada County Sheriff Gary Raney is engaging in postmortem speculation on the motives of any of the Perfects.

SFist In My Heart

Why is it that the outer -ists of the Gothamist Dumpire of City Blogs are so much better than the Mother-Shit? For one, I know that SFist's excellence can be summed up simply by whispering the name of editor Jackson West. I witnessed the man spark a doob (a phrase you should never actually say) in a couple of Austin, TX bars without giving a second thought except to make sure I remembered his drink order. Besides that, the Ess-Fisters can even write funny, smart commentary. Imagine the possibilities of blogging when you can pull that off!! I have no doubt Jackson and Co. are part of the in-crowd and get invited to all the cool media parties from Richmond to Daly City. So where am I going with this and what's the connection to crime? Well, Lovely Rita who does their blotter round-up has sent me a couple tips that I negligently misplaced. I apologize. Please check out her latest felonious post and learn about cold-cocking-cop anarchists and a loyal bank robber. SFist Blotter [SFist]
Pictured: SFist editor Jackson West, armed and gregarious

Tweakers, tokers, hillbillys, and Mrs. Sanders

Martha calls a halt to meth lab posts, but it's important to note that today's tweaker is yesterday's toker and last week's moonshine hillbilly.

I submit:

My youthful indiscretions circa 1987 or so seem so innocent in the waning light of my memory. Nowadays, though, hitting the 7-11 to buy two cases of wooden matches so's you could chop the tips off, pack them in a medicine vial along with assorted nuts and bolts, and have yourself a pipe bomb to blow up Ole Man Willis' mailbox could land you in Git-mo.

Our kiddie assembly line never got this far, but one gent in Chattanooga, Tenn, bought 75,000 books of matches in a two-week period and tipped his lye-stained hand to the local cops: he's looking to be cooking up some blue-collar coke to make Jeff Foxworthy proud.

"Moonshiners when from moonshine to marijuana, from marijuana to meth," said top cop Ricky Smith. He contests that many meth manufacturers can directly trace their lineage to makers of illegal alcohol.

In the World Peace Herald's two-part investigation of the meth crisis, all the facts are present:
-- Truckers use it to keep alert whilst hauling Huggies
-- Ingredients include some of the same toxins as a Marlboro: lye, paint thinner camp fuel, ether, battery lithium
-- Meth was reportedly used by Japanese kamikaze pilots and U.S. soldiers during WWII to stay away while slaughtering each other.

But we often forget the upside, as Ms. Sanders will relate: "When I first started doing it, I was up for about four days, I could clean the house, take care of the kids, we had a spotless house, I did all the laundry, I ironed the curtains, I was like a supermom," said Charlotte Sanders.

Billy Hadden, 35, recovering super-tweaker, says, "It's like taking a 24-hour day and turning it into a 30-hour day."

If that's so Billy, why don't you help Charlotte around the house once in a while.

Shine on You Crazy Diamond

Pop quiz: How big a moonshine still is big? While an improperly cooked cup of the clear stuff is enough to blind you, according to the North Caroline Alcohol Law Enforcement (ALE, seriously) a 200-gallon still is when it gets large.

The ALE team busted Scott Lee Isom for running his own distillery and making moonshine to make Uncle Jesse proud. They ran him up on charges for "manufacturing nontax-paid alcohol, possession of a liquor still, two counts of possession of nontax-paid alcohol, and two counts of possessing an alcoholic beverage to sell without an ABC Permit, according to a report." That's big government, for you: taking away a southern man's entrepreneurial spirit. Is another Whiskey Rebellion a-brewing down in Asheville. Power to the boozers.

Come Inside My Chambers

Blottered readers ask, we deliver. One news-hungry fan who prefers to have his crime info shoved down his throat and overflowing from his nose doesn't believe in media saturation and demands we cover the "Robert Chambers" case to give our world-weary perspective. I confess, I had to Google his name but I'm glad I did and now we can all rest easy knowing Robert Chambers is not afraid to pound his gavel and bitch-slap justice for the people.

"I don't know why they're doing this to me," Cherylethia Glenchelle Holmes sobbed as she was led from Huntington's federal courthouse in handcuffs.

Holmes, 23, had been out on bond since February, after she was arrested on a drug charge. Police said she was carrying drugs and a semi-automatic pistol when she was arrested outside the 8th Avenue Bar in Huntington.

U.S. District Judge Robert Chambers said the severity of the charges against Holmes and "compelling circumstances" about them prompted him to revoke her bond.

Good work, Bob.
Bond Revoked for Potential Suspect in 4 Slayings [WVNS TV]

The Gangsta-Al Qaeda Connection? A Blottered Investigation

OK, stay with me here.

First, there was Jose Padilla, former Chicago gang member and luckless would-be bomb maker. He never even got around to obtaining any uranium like the tehrrrists asked, of course. But even though he's rumored to be borderline retarded, Jose Padilla was deemed an enemy combatant, so they snatched him up and threw away the key. Poor Pucho. But maybe this gave Al-Qaeda an idea: let's get the gangstas all up in this shit.

Last week, as you'll recall, Li'l Kim's former boyfriend and his fellow mujahedin "Cash Money Brothers" crew were busted for allegedly dealing cocaine in Bed-Stuy and murdering five people over the past decade. But here's the kicker:

Hardy, who has been in custody since last August after being nabbed when he returned from a trip to Iraq, is due to be arraigned in Brooklyn Federal Court today. Eight members of the gang were arraigned yesterday, and four others were being sought....Hardy was taken into custody last year after traveling to Iraq and the Middle East on a bogus passport. When questioned by federal agents, Hardy allegedly said he would fight in a jihad against the United States and claimed to be Jesus.

So, what exactly was he doing in the Middle East? Who travels there with a fake passport? The guy came right out and said he was fighting a jihad! Where, now, is this supposed anti-terrorist task force Bernie Kerik is purportedly heading up? I mean, as was noted here, the investigation has been going on for years now:

The investigation into the Cash Money Brothers began in June 2003 after customs agents seized 8 kilograms of cocaine from a courier arriving at John F. Kennedy International Airport from Grenada, said Martin Ficke, special agent in charge of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement's New York office.

Grenada? Jesus Christ, get these guys to Gitmo, stat. (And while you're at it, take Li'l Kim too. Her plastic surgery is a fatwa on good taste.)

I know what you're thinking. (I mean, seriously, I can read your thoughts.) Tenuous connection so far, right? But dig this big crux, in today's Post:

Osama bin Laden tried to buy a massive amount of cocaine, spike it with poison and sell it in the United States, hoping to kill thousands of Americans one year after the 9/11 attacks....Bin Laden hoped that large numbers of Americans dying from poisoned coke would lead to widespread terror.

It's a bit disappointing that this didn't work out, as it wouldn't be terribly tragic if every PR flack and B-list starlet in this city dropped dead, but still--Ha HA!--the circle closes!

From Jose to Li'l Kim to Osama in three easy steps.*

*At press time, this reporter was unable to connect the Source bigwigs shooting in the Flatiron District this weekend, but she is working on it.

Toto Sit, And Spin, We're Still In Kansas

Here's something to keep handy, on 3x5 flash cards or smutty matchbooks for example, if you're ever "back" "packing" through Kansas. State criminal law code 21-4301-c-3 states:

"Obscene device" means a device, including a dildo or artificial vagina, designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs, except such devices disseminated or promoted for the purpose of medical or psychological therapy.

A prescription artificial vagina with unlimited refills we can imagine, in fact Karl Rove keeps one for the President to pet under periods of severe anxiety, but medicinal dildos? Unless they're coated in Neosporin, that's really stretching a small hole in the law's hairier parts.
Kansas' law on obscenity [Wichita Eagle]

When Harry Met Saul Eisenberg, Esq.

Harry Les, everyone's favorite golden-brown digging investment banker perm-temp blogger, has put forth a challenge to Blottered which I will extend to anyone fluent in legal-sleaze:

I have a suggestion for you and Blottered, and how you can make the world a better place, and get some press, and experience for yourself that I am like really really really smarter than you. Are you psyched?

Here is it: Go down to 100 Centre Street and BLOG Quasi LIVE from New York City's Criminal Arraignment Court. Here is what you will likely see and can report to the world: (a) 99.9% of the people arrested are young Black and Hispanic guys; (b) none of these kids have lawyers - they are all represented by legal aid; (c) they will plead guilty to anything that either allows them to go home or to serve a minimum amount of time in jail (I've seen some of them plead guilty to other people's crimes when the court personnel mixed up the cases); (d) all of these arrested kids are charged with two crimes - one charge is a serious one involving long jail time and the other charge is the "plead-guilty-to-charge" that these kids plead guilty to under the delusion that they can go home or get light jail time.

Damn Hars, you did all the leg and kegel work for us! What's the point of us going now? Many thanks for the sociological breakdown, but enough of this boring urban crime, we now return to our regularly scheduled white trash felony programming.

Blottered Memo: Shake-Up Or Shakedown

Look, I'm not gonna let a can of Jane Doe floaters in the Patapsco screw up my homicide clearance rate for the year so there's gonna be some major changes around here. Merit-based promotions, demotions, and uncontrollable emotions are posted to the right. What does this mean to you, the reader? Nothing. You'll still get 3 to 4 posts a day, if that, at least two of them from Martha. As for the Blottered squad, carry on as if you never read this post because you probably didn't. Oh yeah, HAZMAT and FOGHAT training are now mandatory.

Drinking and Driving Golf Carts

Never underestimate the importance of seat belts, designated drivers, and up-to-date donor organ cards -- especially when shanking a 90 degree turn in a golf cart on suburban streets after hitting the links and a bottle of 90 proof small batch bourbon. This isn't exactly a case of grandma getting run over by a John Deere, so good old grand dad has lots of 'splaining to do.
Husband may face lesser charges in wife's golf cart death [Denton Record-Chronicle]

Sicko Schoolteach Snared!

In a case that sounds a little like my version of The Aristocrats (sans Grandma and poodle, mind you), a middle-aged middle-school teacher was arrested for soliciting a minor. But that's not the hilarious sad part. According to the Daily News, he was

...arrested while cradling his baby son after he showed up for what he believed would be a sex romp with a 13-year-old girl, cops said yesterday.

[Emphasis mine.]

The mind boggles. Why'd he bring the child along? Was the 13-year-old going to babysit for him after their tryst?

It never ceases to amaze me that we live in a country full of homely, balding 40-something guys who think there's a veritable treasure trove of Lolitas out there on the intarweb, just waiting to meet them. Furthermore, half of them seem to be schoolteachers. (The other half, of course, are cops and/or firemen.) They interact with children all day long! Talk about an embarassment of riches that's just going to waste.

Battered Husband Syndrome

"He denies murder, but admitted preventing the burial of a corpse."

English man has the sanity and self-worth beaten out of him by his 'bullying' Korean wife to the point where the only thing he can do is sock her in the soju and chainsaw her into a bunch of kimchi pieces. All in all, your standard spousal abuse story with a nice product placement spot for Black & Decker.
Man dismembered wife with a chainsaw to stop her 'bullying' [Times UK]

Gang Initiation Threats Rankle Normally Level-Headed Wal-Mart Shoppers

Snopes weighs in (sorta) on the email circulating warning about a gang violence threat at malls in Memphis, TN. ("'A concerned citizen that overheard a conversation,' says [police director] Godwin." Well, by all means, sound the freaking alarms.) The email reads, in part:

During the next two to three weeks, there will be gang initiations occurring in which the initiation is to kill a mother and small child shopping in Wal-Mart. I'm not sure how far the initiation reaches but this is supposed to be happening in the Desoto and Memphis areas for sure. Please tell everyone you know not to go shopping in Wal-Mart alone, especially if you're a woman accompanied by a small child.

Now, as anyone who's ever been in a Wal-Mart can attest, gangmembers aren't the only ones who'd like to go on a shooting spree there.* Back when I lived in the east siiiiiiiide of Savannah, GA, there was all this talk about gang initiations that involved "raping a white lady." And on more than one occasion, I awoke to gunfire outside my window and inadvertently tracked crack vials home in my lug-sole boots, but the only rapists I ever had to fend off were Southern Gentlemen wearing DuckHead khakis and curved-brimmed baseball caps.

Since this makes me an expert on gang violence, I call bullshit on this supposed Memphis gang threat. Of course, now that it's gotten so much airplay, I bet dollars to donuts that Memphis is due for some serious ostension.

Eastside4Eva.

*"Anyone" meaning "me."

That's All Folks

Minneapolis based home-invaders can breathe a little easier today, following the news of the death of a 450-pound pig named Arnold who once successfully fought off two armed men who had tried to rob his owner.

The apparent cause of death was heart failure. Arnold was 6.

Arnold the Crime Fighting Pig Dies [Washington Post]

Real Asshole Impersonates As T-Ball Coach

A Pittsburgh-area T-ball coach paid one of his players to pull a Tonya Harding on one of his own teammates. The hit-man offer was twenty-five bucks, which I imagine doesn't go very far even on a suburban 8 year old's budget, to make sure a disabled kid didn't get to play in the game and hurt their chances of winning. He was hit in the head and groin before the game. In the realm of shameful sports behavior, I'd say this scores somewhere between Pete Rose's gambling habits and Kermit Washington's near-death suckerpunch on Rudy Tomjanovich in a 1977 NBA game.

One curious rule of the T-ball league requires every player to participate in 3 innings per game. THREE innings? T-ball?? That's an eternity. Maybe the kids are more skilled these days but the T-ball games of my youth felt like one long free-form jazz exploration, if you will, with Heather Doyle sitting on her glove in right field the whole time.
Police: Coach paid kid to hurt disabled teammate [SI.com]

Subliminal Justice 101

Perhaps you've heard of the new celebrity crime tabloid Justice or even read our review of the magazine's debut issue on Mediabistro. Yeah, we hacked through it like a gang in Tambaram, India getting revenge on an accused murderer out on bail and left it resembling a sopping sack of human tartare. We had some fun, showed no mercy, probably pissed off anyone involved with the magazine, but the court of public opinion is not governed by any agreed set of laws or absolute, if sometimes flawed, decisions of right and wrong, innocence and guilt.

Rachel Sklar, who writes the FishbowlNY blog on Mediabistro, fires back with a rebuttal for the defense. Her review is significantly more "balanced" though I'm not entirely sure of its "fairness" with the seemingly big disclaimer in very small print: "The publicist for Justice Magazine is Rachel Pine, "Twins of Tribeca" author and friend of mine." I dunno, maybe she trashes her friends when she feels they deserve it (we certainly do even when our friends don't deserve it) but I'm still a little uneasy with the premise.

See, we find it best to not have friends in media if you plan to do objective criticism. Sure, you'll lose access and expensed lunches at Michael's, but you'll serve the public more effectively and sleep better at night (even if your AC is broken and your bedroom feels like a freekin' rainforest in this heat). We are citizen media critics, in every sense of each word. We're not professionals, have no code of conduct other than to tell the truth and respect the...

JUSTICE H. CHRIST!! WE WERE JOKING!!! WE LOVE YOU GUYS! Or, at least we dig the basic concept of your magazine. It was all a desperate attempt to attract attention so you would hire us. If it worked for that Gawkerist hobo, surely we could pull it off too. Do we suck that much? Don't answer. Please, let's have lunch first. We'll go through Robert Blake's trash every week or organize a Superbowl tickets celebrity sting if that's what it takes. We're that serious about our desire to not be taken seriously.

Update: Rachel Sklar did nothing inappropiate. It was just the set-up of my joke that fell flatter than an opened can of beer left in the sun for 8 hours. Is anybody reading this? Hello?

Lawyer To Serve 2,400 Big Ones

It can bring a warm smile, even to a toe-tagged cold one, when hearing about a lawyer being sentenced to 80 months in federal prison. The judge must have shot a caseload under his black robe when doling that one out. It's like, "hey scumbag, you're going to jail for EIGHTY, count 'em, EHHH-TEEE, months." Of course, six and two-thirds years doesn't sound quite as imposing, but I would have gone with 2,400 days. This case had all the makings of a bad episode of The Rockford Files: corrupt lawyer making deals with city council and waste management companies, real estate schemes with construction companies, and a hot daughter caught in the middle. (I don't really know if she's hot but I imagine her being played by Colette Bertrand.) There's also good usage of bagman, kickbacks, and waste-hauling contracts to spice up the dialogue.
Lawyer sentenced to 80 months in prison for role as bagman in corruption plot [LawFuel]

Meth Mountain

Meth mania from the Christan Science Monitor, via CBS News:

In Keizer, Ore., the other day, a toddler in diapers and a T-shirt was found walking along a busy road. When police investigated, they found that the 16-month-old boy had been left alone by his parents, who had been sleeping and were subsequently arrested for possession of a controlled substance — methamphetamine.

Meanwhile in Hillsboro, Missouri, cops spot a car pulling into the driveway of a meth lab they'd just cleared out:

The car rattled past a Confederate flag, past a skull and crossbones, and headed for an overgrown yard where several addicts had been cranking out the illegal drug methamphetamine. The detectives exchanged glances. They ducked behind a truck.

Simultaneously, in Minneapolis, tweakers dispose of their litter improperly:

"We're finding an increase in labs that have been discarded either in public dumpsters in commercial areas, city hall [bins], recycling centers and on the side of the road," Jenkins said. "We've found several in city parks as well. Typically, they'll disguise it by putting it in a duffel bag or a sealable large Rubbermaid container or something like that."

The Bend [Oregon] Bulletin takes a practical approach, with an article on parenting meth addicted kids.

"In my mind, what was really going on was that I needed the drug and I lived for the needle. ... Every day that was all that I thought of."

Military Officers Assoc. of America reports that the amphetamine-based drug known as yaba is "responsible for most of China's HIV cases".

Criminologists also blame yaba-related psychosis for a recent wave of brutal killings in Thailand and other Southeast Asian nations in which paranoid amphetamine addicts have murdered many of their family members. Roughly 70,000 Thais were convicted of yaba-related crimes in 2001, up from 16,000 in 1997.

And in Huntsville, Alabama, you can't even buy allergy medecine anymore. "But, man, those little tablets are good. They really work. [...] They'll ban Jagermeister and sausage biscuits any day now."

You can make meth with Jager and sausage biscuits? I'm outta here.

The Saga of the Entombed Baby

Personal note: I was feeling a bit stressed and under the weather and not at all feeling like posting today (Krucoff, I swear, the dog ate my homework), but then I heard news of the Famous Cumbrian Unlawfully Killed Baby in the Concrete Block which perked me right up. This case, which has been under investigation for several years, involves one baby, entombed alive in concrete, and the various investigators who can't figure out how she came to be in that garage in Barepot or who her parents were. Admittedly, it's a pretty bleak story, but sometimes it's nice to hear about someone who's had a rougher go of it than you.

Sentencing hearings are the new black

The good thing about them is that the victims can say what they want and get their feelings off their chest. But then the perpetrators - BTK, or Eric Rudolph -- can answer back:

Rudolph, who was allowed to speak, lashed out at abortion and the women's clinic that performs them.

"What they did was participate in the murder of 50 children a week," he said. "Abortion is murder, and because it is murder I believe deadly force is needed to stop it."

"Children are disposed of at will," he said in a long speech against abortion. "The
state is no longer the protector of the innocence."

But Lyons, when she spoke earlier, said Rudolph was nothing but a coward.

"When it was your turn to face death you weren't so brave again," Lyons told the federal courtroom.

"You want to see a monster, all you have to do is look in the mirror," she said.

The "monster in the mirror" was sentenced to life in prison.

Fraud War, What's It Good For

For twenty plus years, Ted Richardson has resolved and prevented fraud. He currently maintains a blog to provide a forum where people can become aware of the most current scams and find resources to protect themselves. He's the man who will WAIT and WOOF for you (War Against Identity Theft and War On Online Fraud). You can read about the Russian, Nigerian, Asian, Armenian and Mexican organizations that are the biggest players among organized fraud gangs or nod in agreement with Mr. Richardson's Farewell Mr. Ebbers (WorldCom) letter when he says "Justice has spoken and you face 25 years in prison...Seeing you cry broke my heart, but what about all the people you caused to lose 180 billion dollars worth of their hard earned money? What about the 20,000 employees, who trusted you only to lose their jobs due to your greed?" Rot in hell bastard. (My words and emphasis.) Blottered salutes Ted Richardson and his efforts to better inform the public. We haven't enjoyed watching businessmen in expensive suits and handcuffs this much since the late 80's when Charlie Sheen muttered, "Blue Horse Shoe Loves Anacot Steel."

Fraud, Phishing and Financial Misdeeds

Hillbilly's on parade

Tunnelling to safety
You wouldn't think this sort of thing actually happens: man, surrounded in his trailer by the fuzz (called in for a domestic disturbance), crawled through a whole in his bathroom, tunnelling out and leaving the negotiator negotiating with nothing but his naugahyde, his rifle, and his lingering B.O. It's like something out of "Raising Arizona" or "Looney Tunes." Never underestimate the shitty-ness that can be an R.V.'s bathroom floor.

Birthing while intoxicated
And while we're on the subject of white trash, on Thursday, a woman gave birth while drunk on a case of beer.

True crime: Just dessert

What drives one man to kill hookers, or eat the still-fresh flesh of others? And what drives another to write about it? MSNB looks at the psychology behind the true-crime book, saying, "True-crime books attain the luster of pornography, offering between their glossy covers purple prose to sate our bloodlust." That's quite some purple prose of your own, buddy.

One of these authors even worked next to Bundy: "in the 1970s, at the height of the Ted Bundy murders, she spent nights next to Bundy answering phones at a suicide hotline totally unaware that he was the serial killer who would later confess to 30 murders. 'If he had offered to give my girls a ride home, I would have agreed,' she says. 'He was such a nice guy.' "

And then he ate her. Yum, yum.

Cunched In The Punt

"One of them took off his shoe and hit me on the face about nine times. I was beaten to a pulp."

Rough stuff, even for a woman who used to be a man. Former child antique expert/tv personality James "Lauren" Harries was attacked by a "seven-strong gang of louts" who raided his/her family's Cardiff home. I have nothing else. Martha, back to you.
Gender bender beaten up [The Sun UK]

Animal Harm

A donkey named Tim (yes, Tim Tim Timmy! Timmy?) had his throat slit, not spanked, but lives to see another day of useless existence. Family devastated by attack on pet donkey [Worksop Today]

Somewhere in the Top 10,000 Things You Probably Won't Get Away With: Removing the heads of walruses and sinking their carcasses to sell the ivory. Alaskan Gets 7 Years for Walrus Killings [SFGate]

What do you say to a couple of guys who burned and stabbed a family of opossums? You could start by asking what size straight-jacket they wear and end with... "DIE FUCKERS DIE!!" Two plead no contest in opossum killings [Daily Bulletin]

The Night His Lights Went Out In Georgia

Tuesday night, Robert Dale Conklin was executed in Jackson, GA by lethal injection for the killing, dismembering, and disposing (with nine trash bags) of his boyfriend in 1984. It's too bad, because the guy has some pretty good taste in food and took well to higher education. Some interesting facts to chew on:

"Prior to the execution, Conklin ate all of his last meal, which included filet mignon wrapped with bacon; de-veined shrimp sautéed in garlic butter with lemon; baked potato with butter, sour cream, chives and real bacon bits; corn on the cob; asparagus with hollandaise sauce; French bread with butter; goat cheese; cantaloupe; apple pie; vanilla bean ice cream and iced tea, according to the corrections department."

"Conklin, then a 23-year-old fast-food manager on parole for burglary and armed robbery, first met Crooks at an interstate rest stop."

"Each of the four jurors also cited Conklin’s good behavior as an inmate, and his academic achievements during his incarceration. Also provided were documents verifying Conklin’s Bachelor of Arts degree from Western Illinois University, which he obtained in 1998."

Man executed for grisly killing of boyfriend in Ga. [Southern Voice]

When Nerds Attack

Blaine Norris aspired to make horror movies. He had a script, and actors, and he even managed to cobble together enough money to film his masterpiece: Through Hike. (Presumably he was holding out on registering a domain name until he got distribution?) But he was running short on money, so Brian Trimble--a coworker and friend who shared his love of videogames--offered to loan him 20K to buy more equipment. Brian's wife Randi wasn't happy about this, because she was busy saving up money to take care of him when he succumbed to multiple sclerosis.

So they decided to kill her.

Rocket meth, I think it's gonna be a long long time

Blottered reader Micah emails to give us a heads-up while we were obviously looking down:

It's a rocket.
Full of meth.
In the trunk of a car.
Launched by pressing the cigarette lighter.

How are you guys not all over this?

Hammers Don't Kill People...

Perhaps your marriage is a little rocky and you sure could use a hundy or two to brighten your day. You could try waiting at home for your wife to return from errands or work, bash her head with a hammer claw, and steal her purse. That's what a Cambridge, MD fella did and while he didn't get away with the $200 his wife was holding, he did give her a lovely gift of 50 stitches and staples.
Cambridge Man Charged with Bashing Wife's Head with Hammer Claw [WBOC]

Pissed off at your barber because you got a bad haircut? Get revenge by "messing up" his hair (and skull) with a hammer.
Police Make Arrest in Murder of Campbellsville Barber [WKYT]

If you're following the World Series of Poker coverage over at Oddjack, here's one game I'd bet my Craftsman tool box you haven't heard of: Ohio Hold 'em and Beat 'em with a Hammer and Screwdriver. Seriously, these home games play for keeps.
Beating death nets 10 years [Fort Wayne Journal Gazette]

Previously: Uh Oh, Uh Oh: Here Come The Hammer

An Educational Meth Timeine

The McMinnVille, Oregon News-Register has published a well-composed timeline of amphetamine production and use, under the Lucasesque title "Meth I - Roots of the Menace". The timeline takes us from the drug's discovery and use as an asthma treatment through June of this year (that's 2005, tweakers). The title suggests that there will be a "Meth II" section, perhaps dealing with outer space meth or the coming race war in America.

Meth's heyday would seem to have been in the 1930s, when "methadrine-brand inhalers, featuring methamphetamine as principal ingredient, are sold over the counter to treat asthma and allergies." Interestingly, for those following along in the lab, "users discover[ed] they [could] brew a powerful stimulant by boiling the cartridges in water or coffee."

Extreme Roadkill

Police responded to three calls about noon Sunday regarding a large heart and lungs in the middle of the street in the 2900 block of Dunbar Street. The Medical Examiner's Office said Monday they were determined to be "non-human." [Corpus Christi Caller-Times, reg. req.]

Tests are still being conducted to confirm or deny the theory that the organs belong to Congressman Tom Delay.

Every Rose Has Its Thorazine

"Without thinking too much about it in specific terms, I was showing the America I knew and observed to others who might not have noticed. My fundamental purpose is to interpret the typical American. I am a story teller." - Norman Rockwell

To put it another way, you can almost smell the cat urine.

The 1976 Chowchilla Kidnapping

Almost 30 years ago in the central California town of Chowchilla, three guys in their early 20's thought they had devised the "perfect crime" by hi-jacking a school bus, transporting its driver and grade-school kids to a moving van they had buried several feet below the ground's surface at a quarry, and then collecting a cool $5 million in ransom loot. This was mid-70's California, with memories of Manson, Patty Hearst, and the Zodiac Killer still fresh, it didn't take much to fear the worst when the town realized a school bus and its occupants had gone missing. But miraculously, when the criminals left the scene to make the call to police to arrange a deal, the hostages pulled a Houdini and escaped from the underground van. Further spoiling the plan, the phone lines were so jammed that the guys never even got the call through to make their demands to the police. They were eventually caught and sentenced to life in prison. While everyone from the bus were unharmed, the 36 hour ordeal left the kids scarred for life and the 70's AM Gold sounds of Brewer & Shipley or Bo Donaldson & The Heywoods provided little comfort.
The Chowchilla Kidnapping [Crime Library]

Shot on tape

You have to endure some pretty awful local newscasters over-emoting for an Emmy, but some of these police videos are as good as any of the redneck-ery you'll see on "COPS" or "The Wildest Police Chases." Shootouts, explosions, some poor cop being run the fuck down by a speeding truck: makes you wonder which body armor you should be sporting, cop or not.


- Minneapolis Officer Struck by Pickup
- Fiery Crash at Gas Station
- Deadly Pursuit in Texas. Driver Comes out Shooting but is Shot by Officers

Blottered Exclusive: The 6th Street Bomb

Another eyewitness Blottered staffer reports on the victims of 1st degree yellow tape on 6th Street.

(Or rather, Chris didn't know Dana was gonna write this up first, but there's no point in throwing away the man's good words.)

The other night, the moderator of this clusterfuck of a blog threw up his influential SMS bat signal that there was actual, honest-to-C.O.P.S. crime taking place on 6th Street and Avenue A, here in NYC. Since the wife had just fired up a TIVO'd episode of "Being Bobby Brown," I had more than my usual reason to flee my apartment. I hustled up 1st Ave, which was blocked by a cruiser, cherry top spinning in full glory, and then tried to look nonchalant as, hands in pocket clutching my digi-cam, I moseyed down 6th toward a yellow-taped-off area in front of an apartment building.

Needless to say, there were just a few plainclothesman sitting on the hoods of their Crown Vics making farting sounds with their walkie-talkies. AK and Dana, who were drinking pink Cosmos and comparing feather boas at Cherry Tavern, claimed that a homemade bomb had been set off in the apartment across from the bar, but from the looks of the Briscoes and Serpicos loafing around, it was probably just some shut-in looking to capitalize on London's recent trauma. I tried to take some pictures of those little yellow cone thingies (numbers 1-15 for $38) they place over stuff like bullet casings but got nervous, thinking that I could be arrested for this. (Anyone know if my fear was warranted?) Luckily, I was saved from the temptation when the vigilant Dana spotted the first Becky from "Roseanne" walk past Cherry Tavern, which gave me and AK an excuse to run down the street after her, imitating the most pathetic paparazzi this side of Gawker. The end. --Kid Dig It

Blottered: On the Scene!

While the Blottered staff had an impromptu (and admittedly incomplete) drinking and bitching session last night at The Cherry Tavern we were witness to our very own crime scene investigation!( It appears as though we've even scooped the major dailies on this one, though it's entirely possible that they didn't care.)

When we arrived on the scene, the police had blocked off 6th Street between Ave. A and 1st to traffic. A giant arc of crime scene tape blocked off much of the area across from the Cherry Tavern, though fortunately for us, the doorway was clear.

As you can see from the blurry cameraphone photo, there are investigators with suits and flat-top hairdos standing around looking purposeful, crime scene photographers milling about, and little yellow numbered cones! Just like on the teevee!

Like any good gumshoe, we asked the pretty blond bartender what the scuttlebut was. "Oh," she said airily, "Some guy across the street made a bomb and it exploded."

"That's perfect timing, isn't it?" we proclaimed.

She shrugged, and we went back to work on our beers.

Racing the pigs

This shit is a little old, but since we're gunning for 12 posts a day to keep up with the Gawker Media Standard Publishing Model, here's some MPEG clips of illegal, fuzz-chased street racers in Stockholm. Though they're more polite, a lot blonder, and obsessed with sex, Scandinavians aren't that different from us; when not aren't offing themselves or burning down churches, they too enjoy outrunning the cops.

Your Meth Habit Is Not Tax Deductible

"The arrests have packed jails in the Midwest and elsewhere and swamped other county-level agencies, which face additional work, such as caring for children whose parents have become addicted and cleaning up toxic chemicals left behind by meth cookers."

Seriously, we're not fucking around when talking about this shit. We are one nation, under the weather, inconceivable, with hypocrisy and just ass for all.

Sheriffs Believe Meth Is Country's Top Drug Problem [Officer.com]

To be young, rich, and Uzi-fied in Hollywood

The new memoir by the daughter of the Playboy mansion's in-house doc has some choice gun moments reminiscent of '70s-movie scenes. Clearly the book centers more on sex (a choice line from the good Doctor Feel Good to some random honey bunny: "I would love to wake up to your face every morning for three days.") than on violence but, in general, guns crank the wheels of Blottered. As the Salon reviewer recounts: "[Dr. Feel Good was an] emotionally manipulative man -- when his wife caught him at the home of another woman, he, gun in lap, calmly explained to her that the whole situation was a product of her 'demented mind.' "

This man did not suffer through years of med school without picking up an iota or two of the old psych 101 along the way. Jesus, lady: watch your mouth. In the end, though, Feel Good dipped too many times into his own stash and "decadence turned into drug addiction; parties turned into coke- and pill-fueled orgies; . . . and the good doctor's sangfroid morphed into a paranoia so intense that he took to carrying an Uzi around the house."

Meth labs: Too real for the kids

In college I read about 30 of the original Hardy Boys' books because my college roommate was really into them -- I suspect because he related to the Boys' best friend, Chet, who was invariably introduced, poor bastard, as "their portly friend Chet." Also tried-and-true's to the series were lighthearted exchanges among family members, chapter cliffhangers, and bringing supersleuth Nancy Drew into the mix.

However, lately some pitches have gone too far. Simon & Schuster has been issuing new books with a focus on updating the series and making it more relevant to today's young reader. Just not too relevant. Eugene Simmons, editor, remains "unpersuaded that the subject matter of The Case of the Secret Meth Lab is appropriate for our readers."

A Smart Man Would Bet On The Drug Lords

Somewhere on the US-Mexico border, a lawless drug-warring border town, Nuevo Laredo. Like turds in the bowl, tumbleweeds roll ominously down the empty dusty streets and under the awning of a pharmacy, a bandit nestles with AK-47 to keep warm as the sun begins to set.

But Omar Pimentel . . . he's the new sheriff in town. He "has three young children and his wife is pregnant" and he "might struggle to stay alive." His predecessor, a distant memory, was gunned down, "sprayed with bullets," only seven hours after taking the top-cop spot.

But Pimental is the Eastwood of the borderlands, though he "might struggle to stay alive." The only cop left in town, a town where 500 people this year have been murdered in the rival cartel drug wars, and "the entire city police force was suspended for investigations into the links between local cops and the drug gangs." He must somehow become more than just a cop.

Pimental has only the support of el Presidente, who has promised "mother of all battles" against the cartels . . . but the murders have continued. --Kid Dig It

Pottymouth Strikes Again

(or my second title with a desperately lame Smiths reference in two days)

Potential juror Stephen "cock-cheese" Caruso drops an s-bomb (more like an s-plop) in Judge William "would you go fuck yourself" Wetzel's courtroom when asked if he would convict a dripping diseased-dickhole defendant in a kidnapping case. Caruso was promptly bitch-slapped, fucked over, and the carpet-muncher pulled out from under him with a bullshit contempt of court charge. The pretty vay-cunts of Gothamist ponder the ass-pounding predicament:

"Hmm, scumbag is definitely a not-nice word, but [we] can't say for sure if we would have had the sense to edit ourselves at jury duty."

The Blottered Motherfuckers go on record in supporting the unedited use of bacteria-infested scrotum.

You perv, get your dirty hands off my router

Lock up your wireless router, a man in St. Petersburg, Fla,, just got taken down by the fuzz for stealing someone else's wifi, which turns out to be a third-degree felony, for which in Fla. you can be imprisoned for up to 5 years. Unfortunately, lest you think Smith, him done arrested, is smart for figuring out how to use a computer (seriously, he is from Florida), he did get busted when he was sitting in his car outside someone else's house using a laptop. What do you want to bet he was looking at past tax statements.

Dr Rose, can you keep a secret?

Doctors Against Handgun Injury is a group of MDs who believe "firearm injury should be treated as a public health concern, rather than just as a crime issue." Obviously there's been retaliation. BH407, in the comments of Packing.org's related discussion, says, "Boycott any quack who would suggest that your guns are more dangerous than his bad hand writting on his perscription pad."

In related news, The Halo Effect, by M.J. Rose, is an erotic thriller about a killer hunting prostitutes in NYC and whose main character, "sex therapist, Dr. Morgan Snow, struggles with the conflict of preserving her patient's privacy and the dangerous and sometimes criminal things she hears."

In related related news, superstar reporter Lloyd Grove proves (2nd item) that doctor-patient privalege does not extend to Britney Spears' tit sugeon.

If you build it, Wayne will bust it

In Blottered's attempt to provide the best rural meth lab coverage on the Net, let it be known that in North Dakota, Walsh County leads the state in the number of meth lab busts this year so far, displacing last year's winner, Williams County. When commenting on the drop in lab busts from 2003 to 2004, Attorney General Wayne Stenehjem said, "It's too early to tell, but we must be doing something right."

2004
Williams County: 64
Walsh County: 47
Total: 255

2005 (as of June 2005)
Walsh County: 33
Williams County: 24
Total: 141

Seeing as the 2005 stats are the halfway mark, this year could bring about a new level of scarcity for the drug in North Dakota. Stock up now.

Plymouth Rocked: Druggies flock to South of England

Warnings that a batch of meth had been "infected" with Special K (ketamine, a tranquilizer meant for use on cats and sub-human primates) will have ravers descending on the seaport town of Plymouth this week, hoping to get a little something extra with their Methlies Quik. Supposedly (because of course I've never tried drugs) one of the side effects of Vitamin K is boredom, which, combined with methamphetamines that make it impossible to sleep, make these drug experiences feel like watching paint huffers dry out. Share with a friend. --Jim Nachlin, Special to Blottered

White Women: Our Diminishing Natural Resource

I know that some of you can't be arsed to give a shit about people like Natalee Holloway. But for those of us who are worried about the dwindling supply of White Women in the fatherland, I present to you the most awesome clearinghouse of information: White Women in Peril.

Wife kills hubby, self

Let's hear it for the women's movement!

Frustrated by her "controlling" husband, a parole officer shot him to death yesterday with her service gun and then turned it on herself....Brooks wrote she "was frustrated, her life was a nightmare. He was controlling her life in everything she did — what she cooked, what she watched on TV, what she wore and who she talked to on the telephone," the sources said.

I'm sick to death of hearing every other day about some loser hayseed estranged husband who goes on a shooting rampage and kills his wife "before turning the gun on himself."

Finally, some parity.

Cemetery Ingrates

In 8th grade I did a science project on the weathering effects of tombstones in cities vs. suburbs. (Picked it out of a hat passed around by the teacher, I swear.) I visited cemeteries in DC and suburban Maryland and kept a journal of the physical condition of tombstones dating back as far as I could find. I then compared my notes (or, "observations") of similarly aged tombstones from city and suburb to find any differences. As I recall, the city ones were in better condition and my dad suggested the reason was "less wind erosion" for the city stones due to congestion of tall buildings as opposed to the wide open fields of the 'burbs. Full of shit, but it got me an A. Looking back, it probably had more to do with bored kids listening to the Misfits and fucking shit up.

"Whoever they were, they couldn't possibly have known these people (buried here)," he said. "What enjoyment could you get out of doing that?" Fairview Cemetery Board Member

Let's do the math: 10 Beer Cans + Night Driving Around Central Pennsylvania = Vandals damage Arendtsville cemetery [Evening Sun (Hanover, PA)]

Downward Facing, hey, that’s my stuff!

This video shows the dangers of Yoga Busking. Something about the Yogi's response strikes me as faked - perhaps the two are in on it together. Bad Karma in either case.

Not Quite the Dog's Days of Summer

"The day after the 4th is always a big day at animal humane association. We have lots of calls from people who have lost a dog or a cat and they're very concerned about getting them back..."

Two unrelated stories from KRQE News 13 in Albuquerque, NM:

Humane society works to return pets that fled from fireworks

Dog found stabbed, hanged from tree

Karla Homolka: Free at last!

Karla Homolka, Canada's darling serial killing starlet, is officially out of jail. In a (so far) exclusive interview with the Globe and Mail, Homolka answers the $25K Question:

Napier: And what will be the first thing that you'd like to do?

Homolka: This is stupid. I'd like to have an iced cappuccino. An iced cappuccino from Tim Hortons, that's what I'd like to do.

That's almost as good as Martha Stewart missing lemons.

(Incidentally, what is up with all these murderous Karlas?)

Previously: Raping and Killing Your Siblings: The Movie

Meth Hotel Heart Attack

A hotel fire in Williston North Dakota Thursday morning forced the evacuation of 160 people and gave some dude who works at the hotel a fuckin heart attack. The fire was started in a room at the Travel Host Motel, by some tweakers cooking up meth. Not surprising that they started a fire, since they're tweakers and since the cooking of meth involves some highly flammable liquids. [Note -- those instructions for cooking meth might be completely fake. I started to get suspicious around when you're supposed to scrape the phosphorus off of the matches, as it seems like the kind of thing one would make up.]

Anyway, they set the room on fire and split, leaving behind their lab. It's hard for my brain to fully parse the reality of being a speed freak in the middle of rural fucking nowhere. Wouldn't you be more likely to want to be a heroin addict? Maybe relaxing is not the problem. It's just that there's not fuckovalot to do. Why would you want to stay up for days doing nothing? --Special Meth Correspondent, Jim Nachlin

Blogging from the big house

Kottke points to The Fifth Nail, the blog of Joseph Duncan, who is in jail for murder and kidnapping. On his site, Duncan writes, "So, I've been accused of molesting a little boy. Those close to me know I didn't do it of course, how could I, I'm not even a pedophile. Well, I'm not a psychopath either, I feel the full force and pain of everyone I have ever hurt, but that doesn't stop me from doing what I need to do. Ultimately my feelings don't matter, I learned that in prison. I have to carry out my orders or a lot worse than just me dying could happen."

Presumably he's using that "so" not as in, "So, I went to the store today," but in some other linguistic manner I can't begin to comprehend.

Spring cleaning

Turns out, calling yourself a macrame and Smith & Wesson M629, .44 Magnum fanatic is not an oxymoron. Dig this dude, Cap'n Beeb, who "was going through some boxes (full of macrame of all things), when I spotted a black leather bag of sorts. I fished it out and unzipped it, and holy mother of god!"

Upskirt, downmarket

It used to be that the category of choice for The Subject I'd Most Like to Be an Expert On was Dune Buggies and the Low-Flying Helicopters That Chase Them, but now I'm thinking 100-Pound Bags of Coke Dropped From a Cessna is the new "it" shit. Such happens in Dallas Hudgens' book about a juvenile delinquent and wayward youth, Drive Like Hell. Hudgens' blog also features a kinda hot picture of two waitresses in a knife fight, the description of which notes how the eyeshadow of one of the ladies matches her panties. Attention to details like this, ladies, is the way to a man's heart. This whole thing is not really hardcore crime, but I have a soft spot for brawling and it's Friday, a night for fighting.

Breast intentions

Rickey Lamming allegedly runs a number of fans sites about a St. Louis TV anchorwoman. His affection seems real, not of the ironic type, but for some reason the man is being accused of cyberstalking his paramour Randi Naughton. Check out his sites and decide for yourself:

randinaughton.blogspot.com
randinaughtonsbreasts.blogspot.com
randinaughtoninblue.blogspot.com

High Times Sex Pot

Letter from the Editors: Blottered means more than just crime reports, it has drug (blotter acid) and drunk (blottered, again) connotations so stay tuned as we expand our coverage into these areas that don't always need to be approached from a pure "crime" angle. With that in mind, check out this awesome Pot & Sex Spectacular photo gallery on High Times.

The Murder Bear Chronicles

This kid hasn't committed any crimes YET, but any 11th grader into science fiction and fantasy literature this much has a 50/50 chance of Columbining the joint or at the very least, having a helluva wedding night.

SQUID: Quite some time ago, you were working on a very entertaining series called, I believe, “The Murder Bear Chronicles.” What can you tell us about Murder Bear? Any chance The Squid will be visited by him anytime soon?

KK: Murder Bear is a small, medium-sized teddy bear with cybernetic implants. He escaped from a laboratory and vowed revenge upon all of humanity for his mistreatment. He might make a guest appearance in The Squid if he can find time out of his busy schedule of world domination. I’ll give him a call.

Featured Author Interview: Kurt Kunz [The Squid]
Previously, in some other dimension: Review of Genesis "Foxtrot" in Hebrew
Note: If you must know, I did a Google search for murder squid and this interview was third in the results.

Up In Smoke

So they say...there's no right or wrong way to grieve, but I'm not sure "they" ever met this guy:

The defendant said he later broke into the apartment and set the sofa on fire while he was drunk and high on cocaine.

"The couch was basically our spot," Sifuentes testified. "And I didn't want anybody else being where I had been with Laurie. With all my dreams and hopes just going up in smoke, that's why I lit the couch on fire."

That couch, so many good nights watching American Idol and picking popcorn from their teeth. The armchair quarterback in me wants to think, "damn, I wish I had a couch instead of this crummy old armchair."
Arson Suspect Admits Setting Ex-Girlfriend's Apartment On Fire [KSAT]